15 MINS with POPPY JAY

Q: Are you comfortable with the idea of sexual fantasy?

Um, yes. I absolutely love roleplaying and sexual fantasy, in fact I wish I had done more with my long term partner because no one tells you that, in long term relationships especially (I’m talking 10 plus years), maintaining that magic is actually much much harder than in new relationships. No one ever talks about that. When you know someone inside out, roleplaying and fantasy really helps because the sex can get very ‘samey' and repetitive. So I for one love the idea of sexual fantasy.

As you may or may not know, I am currently a serial dater, and although I am quite forthright as a person, it's not something I say to guys in the early stages–especially the 24-year-olds I date. It's not that I am ashamed (even though women have been shamed for generations and generations for talking about their sexuality or wants or desires), it's just that it's an odd thing to bring up on a first date.

With older guys, I'm much more forthright on text or DMs: 'This is what I like, this is how I like it’, but I don’t flex it out on first dates, especially with younger guys but more with my 'regulars'. I think sexual fantasy is so important, as it's still such a taboo for women. When anyone talks about fantasies it's still so on the fringes, and you’re seen as a bit of an effing weirdo - depending on your fantasy. Like I keep having one about being someone’s maid - a mediaeval fifth century maid (I don’t know where that’s come from), or a sexy secretary Most often, people see other people's fantasies as weird if they’re not the mainstream socially accepted ones.

With BGDIT, we try and normalise the conversation—we make fun of ourselves, no stone is left unturned. It's really important for us to talk about these things… [whispers] Sorry, I’m voice-noting you from a cafe with lots of yummy mummies hence my hushed tones… This is a very long-winded way of me saying I love the idea of sexual fantasy and I think it's a really important part of finding out who we are. I’m very comfortable with it but I don’t think most men are–or women for that matter.

Q: Have you ever shared a sexual fantasy with anyone?

Yes I have. Feeld is a great app to explore fantasies. It's the most grown-up dating app, but it's the place I feel free to discuss my fantasies. I'm a basic bitch though, my fantasies are very basic, I watch too many Shah Rukh Khan and Kajol films so I obviously want to be dominated in my fantasies. I'm an alpha in real life so I'm generally a sub in the bedroom and in my fantasies… which makes sense I guess. I’d share with people I know, or who I feel safe with. Safety first.

Q: Has the topic ever come up on BGDIT? And if so, in what context?

All the time. It comes up on BGDIT often but we did an entire episode on roleplay and fantasy called I’m a lover, I'm a Fifth Century Maid, dedicated to fantasy and roleplay. We have those conversations on the podcast and we take it so far so we can help other women feel normal and seen, and we get SO MANY women messaging us saying 'I feel so seen after your podcast' or ‘it's like therapy’. The openness and sex positivity helps.

Q: Do you think sexual fantasy is well-represented in the media? If so, where? And if not, why do you think that is?

No, not at all. It's getting better. I haven’t watched 50 Shades of Grey, I’ve read the thinkpieces and I'm not sure what that’s done really—maybe brought the idea of fantasy out into the open more. I suppose anything that allows the conversation to happen without judgement is so important.

But women playing strong sexual characters are often ridiculed, mocked, or seen as entertaining rather than serious.

Even when people try to do it in a sex-positive way, it doesn’t hit the mark. Gen Z on social media feels more balanced in terms of how they explore the narrative I guess. For me as a geriatric millennial, fantasy was never represented well. Women always just seemed to be the butt of a joke.

My friends only talk to me about their fantasies now because of the podcast. Prior to that, they never did, even though it's this brilliant form of escapism that helps you figure out who you are and what you want and keeps you feeling alive.

As a country, it's the one thing we just don’t talk about and yet it's the one thing we should talk about the most. The media doesn’t help that.

Q: Do you think the South Asian community in the UK is less progressed when it comes to the notion of fantasy? Why do you think that is?

We are so backward, we can’t talk about sex, let alone fantasy. That's why we have Bollywood, it lets all those repressed conversations out. Things are changing but very slowly. So BGDIT tries to provide a platform where South Asian people can talk about it, because they are talking about it. But sex is still just a big taboo, it's a way to control women, not just in the SA community but universally. The shame is huge and worse in the SA community, however doing the podcast, so many women DM us to say they are now talking about sex or sexual fantasy with their friends, or cousins in a way they never would have before and I think there is a bit of a changing tide, even if so bl*ody slowly. I’m like can you all become part of the sexual revolution already- better late than never and new do have A LOT of shackles to break from, but I am hopeful.

Listen to the BGDIT episode exploring fantasy and roleplay here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p0d3k884