THE POWER of SEXUAL FANTASY

“We are so conditioned into thinking we can’t be dominant or sexually potent as women, so we don’t explore that side of ourselves, your average woman is not going to be used to talking about sex and sexuality. It has been shamed over centuries and people are afraid of their own fantasies” - Lohani Noor, Founder ThIRST

However, there's a growing body of opinion that says that indulging our deepest desires through fantasy can be as good for us as exercising, eating well or meditating.

In this article, we discuss, debate and plot with two of the UK's leading psychotherapists, Lohani Noor, Founding Director of ThIRST, The Institute for Relational and Sexual Therapies, and Diane Hassall, an integrative psychotherapist specialising in relationship and psychosexual therapy, to explore the role of fantasy in our lives. And in doing so, we uncover how consciously embracing this most basic of instincts can be a superpower - if we take the time to understand it.

So what's the problem?

There's no two ways about it, sex is still an uncomfortable subject in Western society: Miseducated, misrepresented, and surrounded by judgement.

Sex educators, long-accustomed to fighting establishment aversion, now have to contend with the tech giants' tendencies to censor important narratives through rules and regulations.

And it's the same in legacy media as it has always been: Sexually in-touch characters are limited to tropey caricatures like Sex and the City's Samantha, whose sexual pleasure (and pursuit of it through fantasy) is a constant source of entertainment - just as it was with Blanche Devereaux in Golden Girls all those years ago.

“Women are sexual beings, and there’s no safe space that feels accessible to explore that.” - Diane Hassall

The result: Women don't always feel safe to explore, even in the most private echelons of their own minds.

A primal instinct with a natural purpose?

Sexual fantasy is nothing new: it's as old as the human condition itself.

Organised as images, metaphors, and dramatic or humorous action, it's likely that fantasies in the form of artistic productions and mythology have been part of human life since the birth of our species. Although somewhat less ancient than our oldest cave paintings, the original composition date for the Kama Sutra itself is estimated to sit between 400 and 300BCE.

From the early days of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud suggested that fantasies could repair deep damage to the self by transforming feelings of displeasure into pleasant feelings (Friedman & Downy, 2000). Although he never explicitly referred to sexual fantasy, his work itself was often sexual in nature and the term ‘sexual fantasy’ was born.

So, in the name of unlocking some new understanding: What actually is it?

“A sexual fantasy or erotic fantasy is an autoerotic mental image, or pattern of thought that stirs a person’s sexuality and can create or enhance sexual arousal” - Leitenberg & Henning, 1995

Much like Freud himself, both our experts position fantasy as a completely natural part of the human imagination, an expression of creativity, and an escape. And while sexual fantasy can be an act of pleasure, it can also be a powerful catalyst to opening up and learning more about who you are.

“Hetronormative relationships have outdated constructs of who is meant to be what, who does what, but fantasy is a place for everyone to re-write the rules on their own terms, as long as they feel safe enough to.” - Lohani Noor

The case for hidden meaning

A sexual fantasy, say our experts, is about more than just the sexual act. Often, the arousing focal point of the fantasy can distract from deeper meaning, however the storyline of our fantasy is where deeply personal, layered and subconscious messages may be hidden.

“Sometimes a fantasy can pop up seemingly out of nowhere, triggered by something. For example when you’re arguing with a partner, it could be an unconscious form of punishment. Alternatively, having a fantasy about being raped doesn’t mean you want to be raped . It might be that you want to feel more powerful in life - more dominant - whether that’s at work or in your relationship. Our fantasies are often a representation of our deepest conscious and unconscious thoughts, completely individual to everyone.” - Lohani Noor

In Tell me what you want: The Science of Sexual Desire, Dr Justin Lehmiller details his work to shed light on sexual fantasies, how common they are, and who has them. His research suggests they are a reflection of the fulfilment of our real life needs:

“They can be a roadmap, pointing to which of our psychological needs are being met and which aren’t.”

- Justin Lehmiller

A relationship saver?

Because fantasies can give us an insight into our unconscious minds, sexual health and therapy professionals encourage people to actively and consciously embrace exploration of sexual fantasy.

For couples especially, co-creating fantasy can be an important tool to learn about each other in the present moment, even if they have been together for 20, 30 or 50 years.

“Fantasy is ultimately about our own psychological processes: Breaking those taboos we don’t think we can take on in real life, it's a place for exploration to try out different scenarios, couples should co create fantasy together, they might not ever act it out in real life but it's a brilliant way of learning about each other." - Diane Hassall

The biggest hurdle

So, contrary to current media and social discourse, sexual fantasies are clearly a valuable part of the human psyche, a powerful tool for unlocking our sense of self, and even a way to form deeper connections with each other.

But too often, people just don’t know how to get started in the active pursuit of fantasy. Hassall suggests that much of the blockage is due to a lack of safe spaces to fantasise:

“People need a safe space, the encouragement and the confidence to free-think. People need nudges and prompts to go a bit further and see what it will show you or change about you.” - Diane Hassall

A simple solution

Despite the social climate, Hassall says that breaking down your own barriers to actively engaging in fantasy can be remarkably easy. She suggests trying to write your way through your obstacles; “It can be as simple as encouraging people to take a blank piece of paper and write, freely.”

And as so often, what can be good on your own is even better shared. Lohani Noor suggests that fantasy goes deeper when you read it, and while there should be no pressure to share a deeply personal space, she advises you to consider how, when and where you might feel comfortable sharing fantasies with your partner or beyond, considering- what benefit might sharing your fantasy bring you, and where is the space you would feel most safe to do that?

A bigger movement for change

So, in a society where gender roles and sexual censorship still combine to stifle individuals' self expression, sexual fantasy has the potential to be a safe space for exploration, an outlet for fulfilment, and a route to deeper relationships. And with an ever-increasing body of professional opinion in its favour, it seems well on its way to graduate beyond its current assumed status as a source of titillation to become a widely recognised tool for personal change.

Indeed, it seems the narrative is already changing at the margins, with the rise of the romantasy genre and with this years' Venice Film Festival lineup suggesting that erotica may truly be back. Babygirl starring Nicole Kidman, Luca Guadagnino’s Queer, and Disclaimer starring Cate Blanchette all indicate there may be a new perspective forming at a larger scale.

“There are quite a lot of erotic films this year, which was unexpected. It's good that film-makers are trying to talk about intimate and sexual relationships in a deep and artistic way again.” - Alberto Barbera, Venice Film Director

However, if we really want to change minds, it sounds like the power lies in our own hands, taking that blank piece of paper and committing to set our own minds free.

“Sexual Fantasy can be one of our most creative acts. With the freedom of it, will come a power for women to live their lives in more meaningful ways; a power to do what they want in life on their own terms.” - Diane Hassall

So, Pass the Pencil…